Tips for Helping a Caregiver
Yesterday I went to Home Depot, as I was walking through the parking lot I saw a woman loading stuff into her car. It was a large SUV with one of those doors that swings out so I couldn’t see what she had left in her cart. As I got closer I saw and heard the cart bang into the bumper rather hard. When I got past her large door I could see she was struggling with a box because it was too heavy for her to easily pick up. I started to set my stuff down and asked if she wanted some help, she replied “I got it” – according to her she didn’t want or need my help. With that reply I started to pick up my stuff to head towards my car. I watched as she struggled to pick the box off the bottom of the cart. She could barely get the box off the bottom of the cart, I have no idea how she would have lifted it out of the cart. Getting the box into her car was clearly a struggle for her so I put my stuff down, walked over, grabbed the box and put it in her car. It wasn’t a struggle for me, she thanked me and we went our separate ways.
Her reaction is fairly typical when we ask people if we can help them, “no thanks, I got it”. That reply indicates the person doesn’t need or want help. In my Home Depot run she said she didn’t need my help, most likely she didn’t want or know how to accept my help, help from a complete stranger. It was obvious that this box was a burden for her to lift, for me it was pretty easy, I am a lot younger and a lot stronger than her, my skills are different.
When someone you know ends up in a caregiving situation, one of the first things that is said to the person is “how can I help”. This is a meaningful question but almost worthless. Just like the story above, most of us think we can do it on our own and don’t need help from others. Caregivers are also stressed and confused so even if we did want help we often don’t know what to ask for. The question isn’t a good one because it is too ambiguous and puts the burden on the caregiver – someone who is stressed and confused already.
We also don’t know your schedule or your strengths. If I asked you for a ride to the doctor’s appointment and you were out of town that wouldn’t work well, if you are a great cook I would love to get a meal from you, but not so much if your cooking skills are a bit sketchy. Sometimes we know the person well enough to ask for specific things we need by knowing their abilities. Once I used that phrase “how can I help” to someone who knew me well. She knew I was a stressed out single father running around like a chicken with my head cut off and two small kids that I couldn’t leave home alone. Her response was simple and showed that she knew me well, she simply laughed and said “yeah, what are you gonna do?” I knew what she meant and her response let me off the hook from feeling like I needed to do something to help her.
Instead of asking “how can I help?” Say, “this is how I am going to help”.
- I am going to bring you dinner next week, what day is good for you?
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- I am going to cut your grass Saturday.
- I am going to drive you to your doctor’s appointment and sit with you.
- I am going to the grocery store, can I pick up a jug of milk for you? What else do you need me to get?
- Several of us got together and we are sending a cleaning service over, what day is good?
These statements clearly say how you are going to help someone without taking all the control away. The decision to accept help is no longer there, help is coming but it is up to the person to direct it. You are able to use your strengths to help the person in need.
The woman didn’t want help lifting her heavy burden, but I did it anyway. Caregiver’s often don’t want help lifting their heavy burden, do it anyway.